Tag Archives: humor

My Global Malfunction

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I’m about to share something with you guys. Something that few people know about me.

I suck at geography and I suck bad.

When I was little, I came down with the chicken pox right when my class was learning US and World Geography. It was a very mild case of the chicken pox, so my grandmother kept me home a little longer than she needed to so that I didn’t get it twice.

I missed a whole lotta geography.

Fast forward to the present. To my Hubby-pants’ teasing jokes, cock-eyed looks, and exasperated sighs. Well, all of that culminated to head a couple of weeks ago. In the space of 24 hours, I said the following stupid things:

  1. We were talking about Pablo Escobar. Me: “Columbia. That’s in Cuba, right?”
  2. We were watching Defiance on the SyFy channel. Me: “Why do the characters keep saying ‘down to Antarctica?’ Antarctica is the North Pole, isn’t it?” (Side note, this led to a rather amusing argument about how, if there wasn’t an actual land mass at the North Pole, then why did people start the rumor that Santa Claus lived there.)

I don’t remember the order in which these two gaffes occurred, but one of them made Hubby-pants order me to put on my shoes and we went out right then and there to buy a globe. We found an adorable little, 6-inch, desk globe. On sale! Isn’t it cute?

globe

Speaking of globes…Wherever you are on the globe, you can now add my upcoming novella, Blood in the Past, to your Goodreads ‘To Read’ Shelf! There’s a button right over there >>>>

Only FIVE more days until RELEASE DAY!

Jerks & Irks XXXVII: Gym Brats

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I don’t usually broadcast the fact that I’ve gone to the gym. I don’t “Check-In” on Facebook. I don’t post pics on Instagram. I don’t have a Foursquare account. But today, wooo boy, today…Today, I have to share. Because the gym brats were a’plenty.

  1. I arrive at the gym. I’m about to enter the locker room and a girl younger than me is on her way out, facing downward toward her phone. I don’t alter my course. (I have a firm policy against adjusting my path for people not paying attention. They deserve to get bumped into, I’m sorry.) She does one of those “Excuse me!” deals, all sarcastic like it was my fault her face was berried in her iPhone. She then proceeds to sit on the bench of the Lat-Pull machine…and make a phone call. Ugh.
  2. I jump on my favorite stationary bike. The lady to my right is pedaling along when her friend stops by to chat. And chat. And chat. Am I the only one who doesn’t think the gym is comparable to happy hour? Seriously, these two broads were drowning out the episode of Castle I was watching on my phone. Ugh.
  3. Turns out “Excuse me!” chick knows the lady on the bike to my right AND her chatty friend. They proceed to workout together, never more than a stone’s throw from the bike I’m currently riding. And by “workout together,” I mean hover around one particular machine for ten minutes and gossip it up before moving on to the next machine in their farce of a circuit. Ugh.
  4. I’m done on the bike. My ears hurt from turning up the volume so much on my phone so I could hear Castle over the chatty din. I enter the locker room to switch out my phone for my iPod. I’m greeted by a large woman with what seems to be all her worldly possessions on the counter where the complementary blow dryer is. She’s on the phone while blow-drying her weave. I didn’t know that was possible. Not blow-drying a weave, talking on the phone while operating a blow-dryer. She has her young daughter with her. Both of them are eating from a large bag of potato chips (obviously counterproductive at the gym, yes?). The little girl runs away, spilling chips everywhere, including in front of my locker. The mother scolds and spanks the child repeatedly. The child screeches. The mother yells. No this isn’t awkward at all. Ugh.
  5. I head to the activities room where the group fitness classes are held. It’s empty, of course. I like to do my workouts in there because it’s private and there are plenty of dumbbells in my preferred range and they’re all on one rack. On the gym floor, you have to hunt them down and you still may end up working out with something too heavy or too light. Anyway, today was an abs day. I’m on my little mat doing all my zillions of types of crunches. Who else is in there with me? Some ballet couple erotically stretching each other out right behind me. Then they start their routine and use up every spare inch of space in the studio. By “every square inch,” I mean getting their twirl-on so close behind me that I could have tripped them without really moving. Their little show prompted onlookers. Which is great for them, but I’m just trying to do my crunches. Ugh.
  6. I head back to the locker room. I’m greeted by a new person blow-drying their hair. A stark naked person. No towel. No underpants. Nothing. Stark naked, bent over, blow-drying. I have no words. I went home.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes this (hopefully) one-time exception to the I-don’t-brag-about-going-to-the-gym rule.

Oh and be sure to check back on Wednesday when I blog about whatever it is I decide to blog about and announce the date of my Cover Reveal for Blood in the Past!

Jerks & Irks XXXVI: 50 Shades of Writing Advice?

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Just when I’ve finally decided to stop hating all over what people have read and enjoyed…decided to embrace 50 Shades of Grey as a catalyst for people reading more than they have since they were forced to read Lord of the Flies in high school…I found this out:

E.J. James is publishing a writing advice guide. Sort of.

Cue *facepalm*

Yes, I know it’s technically a journal that happens to contain writing tips and advice in it. And I know this news broke a while ago, but I was too busy explaining why I won’t read your book and I totally forgot to complain about this new development.

To be clear, I’ve never read 50 Shades of Grey. I did, however, read the reviews. Many of which contained excerpts. And I was unimpressed. The kicker? I don’t have any formal literary training. I went to school for Biology. And I was still unimpressed. What might that infer? Hmmmm?

So for little ole’ E.L. to come out with a journal that includes “professional advice” is just baffling. How baffling? Allow me to paint you a picture.

E.L. James Publishing a Writing an Advice Guide is Like…

  • Lindsay Lohan Opening a Rehab Center
  • Joan Rivers Preaching About Aging Gracefully & Naturally
  • Paris Hilton Giving Resume Tips
  • Taylor Swift Singing About Healthy, Long-Term Relationships
  • The Duggars Advocating Birth Control

Oh, and the title of this project? 50 Shades of Grey: Inner Goddess.

Maybe Ms. James simply has a great sense of humor. I mean, she’d have to in order to name her journal/writing guide after quite possibly the most annoying aspect of her books, right?

*This is not an April Fool’s post. This is really happening. Heaven help us all.

 

Jerks & Irks XXXIII: How My Cats Prepare Me For Children

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Hubby-pants and I haven’t done the kid thing yet. But now that I’m home more, getting my novel-on, I’m also with our two cats more. Don’t get me wrong, I love the furry little frickers. One’s pudgy and feisty. The other one’s tiny and skittish. Like really skittish. Like sneeze while she’s creeping into the room and she’ll jump a foot and a half in the air kind of skittish. But anyway, they have their own little personalities and I enjoy their general existence (who am I kidding, I really do love them), but they seriously irk the crap outta me. Especially when I’m writing.

catop

Cats are intuitive creatures. They know kids will be in the picture soon, so they’re preparing me…by getting on my nerves. Crying, running, jumping, vomiting on the carpet and NOT on the tile (yes, I’m convinced they do that on purpose), eating random foreign objects, etc. Incidentally I’m now armed with a full arsenal of phrases that I just know I’ll have to use in the future when I’m home alone with the kids. Here they are:

  • “Get down from there!”
  • “What’s in your mouth?”
  • “Don’t touch that!”
  • “Get off the laptop. Mommy’s writing!”
  • “Dont eat that!”
  • “Go play with your sister. Mommy’s writing.”
  • “Where is your sister?”
  • “Get that out of your mouth!”
  • “Leave Daddy’s shoes alone!”
  • “FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP EATING THAT!!! AND GET OFF THE DAMN LAPTOP!!!”

catlap

Does this sound like you and your pets? Or do you already have kids? Do any of these scolding phrases sound familiar? In other words, am I on the right track here?

Jerks & Irks XXXII: So Many Books!

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Some of you may have guessed, correctly, that I don’t work at the bookstore anymore. I mean, how could I possibly when there hasn’t been a Jerks & Irks post for weeks, right? Well, that whole debacle is a long story. But you all are in luck! I thought of one final thing that irked me when I worked there!

When I sat behind the counter, hiding behind a stack of books to sneak some writing in, people would enter the store through the doors immediately to my right and left. Many times, as soon as they passed the threshold, they would exclaim, “Look at all the BOOKS!” This irked me to no end. There are only three justifications for such admiration of the amount of books in a bookstore:

  1. They are Martians who have heard of books but have never really seen so many books in one place, if at all.
  2. They are travelers from the future who have heard of books but come from an era dominated by electronic readers and so they have never really seen so many books in one place, if at all.
  3. They suffer from Benjamin Button syndrome and although they appear to be fully grown adults they are actually toddlers and have never really seen so many books in one place, if at all.
Call me nutso, but I fully expect a bargain bookstore to look like this.

Call me nutso, but I fully expect a bargain bookstore to look like this.

I’m sure none of these are true, however. So I’ve decided that from now on, I’m going to make similar proclamations when I enter stores. Such as:

  1. “Look at all the FOOD!” when I enter a grocery store.
  2. “Look at all the ANIMALS!” when I enter a pet store.
  3. “Look at all the DRUGS!” when I enter a pharmacy.(I might sound like a crack head with this one. Yikes!)
  4. “Look at all the CLOTHES!” when I enter a department store…
  5. Better yet, “Look at all the STORES!” when I enter the mall! (I would need the assistance of a bull horn for this one.)

The possibilities are endless. This could be fun…

First Order of Business: I Need Suggestions

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Happy New Year Everyone!

fireworks

I’ll be holding a giveaway soon. Eek! Don’t get too excited though…Details to come. But first I need help figuring out what exactly to give away. Hmmm. I have another Jordanna East tote bag and I wanna fill it with stuff. Here’s the part where you flood the comments section with suggestions. But before you do that, here are some suggestions that I just won’t accept.  :-P

  • Live animals. Hubby-pants said we can’t have anymore pets and, though it would only be temporary, I still think he would be hesitant about holding a puppy hostage for a few days while I try to figure out how to ship it. I think the post office asks you if your package contains “biologicals.”
  • Organs. If you need a new liver because you drank too much over the holidays, this is NOT the place to find it.
  • Liquor. I will not contribute to the demise of your liver so that you think it’s okay to ask for a new liver during my next giveaway. Nice try.
  • Drugs. So now you’re trying to ruin your kidneys? No-sir-ee.
  • Blackmarket babies. I shouldn’t have to include this but some of you may be prone to thinking my international reach is unparalleled. It’s not. Not yet. But even then, no babies.
  • “Bald slavegirls.” That’s right. Here’s looking at you weirdo search term guy. Absolutely not.

So, outside of this handful of exceptions, I’m pretty much open to anything. What would you like to see in giveaway bag?

Jerks & Irks XXV: The Bargain Whisperer

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As you all might know by now, I work part-time in a bookstore. It pays the self-publishing bills… And provides ample fodder for this particular series of my blog.

This past weekend was especially trying as I was forced to actually work instead of hide in the store-room/behind stacks of books to write. Which means I had to deal with customers a little more than usual. Customers such as the Bargain Whisperer. This old man crept up to the counter, one finger over his lips in a shushing gesture, and then the following conversation took place:

Bargain Whisperer: Psst! The other store has a book for $2 that you have for $4.

Me: (also whispering) Okay…

Bargain Whisperer: It’s cheaper there.

Me: So go there.

Bargain Whisperer: I just came from there.

Me: So go back.

Bargain Whisperer: Why is it cheaper there?

Me: *sighing loudly* Each store is responsible for setting its own prices. We have some items that are cheaper here than they are there and vice versa. We each mark things down as we see fit to move the products.

Bargain Whisperer: (still whispering) When is the next 50% off sale?

Me: We usually don’t know until the day before.

Bargain Whisperer: But it’s in the paper.

Me: I don’t know anything about that. Maybe the owner puts it in the paper. But I assure you we as employees don’t know until the weekend of the sale.

Bargain Whisperer: You know. Is that so you have time to mark all the books higher?

Me: Sir, I don’t know what kind of Bargain Book Warehouse conspiracy scandal you think we’re operating but it would take us weeks to manually change the prices on all the books in the store.

Bargain Whisperer: I’m whispering because I don’t want anyone to hear…

Me: I don’t care if anyone hears.

Bargain Whisperer: So you’ll tell me the truth.

Me: I am telling you the truth.

Bargain Whisperer: Why are you being so curt? I’m not angry.

Me: No, but you’re annoying me.

Yes. I told this poor, elderly, whispering chap that he was annoying me. I never claimed to possess an exemplary set of people skills. But you know what I do possess? This fabulous tote bag:

Click the image to be whisked away to my previous post where you can win said fabulous tote bag. Or you can go here: a Rafflecopter giveaway

You have until December 16th and I will be adding this reminder every Monday until then. Good luck!

Jerks & Irks XXIII: Please Move!

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The theme of today’s installment is: Please Move. I went through many revisions of the title for today’s theme, but they contained far too many profanities and epithets to hit the “Publish” button. Without further ado…

People in my way irritate me. People who are unaware that they’re in my way irritate me greatly. But people in my way on purpose?! Well that just irritates me most of all.  Please observe examples of each:

1. Unnecessary traffic… It doesn’t have to be roadway traffic. It could be supermarket traffic. Gas station traffic. Drive-thru traffic. It all drives me insane. I have zero patience. That’s right, I know I’m inpatient. And everyone else should know it too and PLEASE MOVE!

2. Speaking of the supermarket…Why do people think it’s okay to just stop in the middle of the aisle, with their gigantic steel cart, and block everyone else’s passage, so they can check their list, answer their phone, scratch their ass, tie their shoe, etc? Why is it that when you try to maneuver around them, it is only then that they realize that they are in a bad spot? It is only then that they realize they should have pulled their cart over to the side, in front of something no one buys like tapenade or the generic version of Fruit Loops. It is only then that these JERKS realize that they are not the only ones that need food for sustenance and happen to be out that day buying it. Sometimes I just have to say, PLEASE MOVE!

3. People in a car that think they’re tough… A couple of weeks ago I was driving home from somewhere or another. Along my route, the main road goes straight and there’s a branch that bears to the right so you can make the turn without waiting at the stoplight. That’s my turn. On this particular day there were a few cars stopped at the light. The car in front of me wasn’t pulled up directly behind the car in front of him, so I couldn’t fit down my little branch off. (But I could, if I wanted to, parallel parked in the space in front of his dumb ass.) So, I waited a few seconds with my blinker on, thinking he would see me and get a fricking clue. He did not. So I tooted my horn. I didn’t honk it. I didn’t lay on it for 47 seconds. Just a little toot so he could maybe pull his head out of his arse and pay attention to the world around him. His response? He stayed right where he was. EVEN AFTER THE LIGHT CHANGED.  I can’t even tell you guys how if this was 10 years ago, I would’ve followed that poo-flinger home and creeped him out for the next week walking by his house with various blunt instruments in my hand. In fact, I keep a pipe under my driver’s seat. I could’ve let the creepy times roll that day. But I took a deep breath, and let it go. I’m quite pleased with myself that I was able to refrain from using a more R-rated version of PLEASE MOVE.

But then again, my book sales might have been phenomenal if I was in jail on the release date. Hmmm…

A Bit of Naughty Marketing, Anyone?

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No, I don’t mean “naughty” like I went to a nude beach and read from my WIP with a bull horn. But on the morning we left the vacation house (this is the absolute last time I’m going to mention my vacation, promise), we scoured each room on each floor for our belongings and a lightbulb went off in my head. Keep reading.

When we first arrived, we investigated all the nooks and crannies. Drawers, closets, cabinets, etc. Other renter-people will probably go through the same rigmarole. Add to this the fact that I have to get rid of my current stock of business cards (so I can order new and improved ones) and VOILA! Instant Hide-a-Card game. I pulled the stack of cards from my purse and proceeded to put one in each of the previously mentioned drawers, closets, and cabinets. I put one between the plates in the kitchen. One on the glasses rack of the wet bar. One in the DVD player. Yep, right in the drawer. One in the tissue box in the bathroom. And one in a framed picture of a starfish that had the same color scheme as my business card, allowing it to blend in, but not really. Subliminal marketing. That’s right. Be impressed.

The experience has left my mind overwhelmed with possibilities! I work in a bookstore. I can stick my business cards in all the books within my genre! I can stick my cards in Snooki’s book because obviously the reader doesn’t know what she’s doing when it comes to choosing decent reading material! Oh my stars, there’s even an email list on the counter next to the register that just screams to be a part of my planned press release! The sky’s the limit!

Speaking of the sky, would it be too much to hire a sky-writer who also rains my business cards down on the world from above?

This obviously has nothing to do with my novel, but I figure it’ll grab people’s attention. (image courtesy of aerialadvertising.com)

Anyway, anyone else have any naughty marketing ideas, regardless of how inappropriate?

Jerks & Irks XXI: My God, You’re Testy!

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Okay, so I know I said on my Facebook page that there wasn’t going to be a Jerks & Irks today because I decided to write before going in to work at the bookstore, but you’re all in luck because the bookstore did not disappoint. Not only do I have a story, but it reminded me of another incident that happened several days ago that I’d forgotten about. Without further ado:

Several days ago…

We put out the Christmas stuff early because my boss is a bit extra-excited. Now, I know I’ve mentioned several times that it’s a warehouse-style store, so the majority of the books are laid out on large tables. We have a few shelves, but not many. Anyway, because of the lack of shelves and the overflowing tables, a few items are placed on the floor under the tables or up against the table legs. No big deal.

One particular customer came in and summoned me over to the holiday table. She stated that she was Jewish and pointed to a stack of children’s books about the Dreidel song piled on the floor. She said the store was being discriminatory against Jews because that particular item was on the floor but not any Christmas-related items. I pointed out that there were other Jewish/Hanukkah items on the table, but she was irate by that point. Then I saw that there was a stack of Polar Express books on the floor on the other side of the table. I pointed to them and asked the woman if she also thought the bookstore had an issue with Tom Hanks. For the record she didn’t think I was funny.

 

I put the Polar Express books on the floor because I didn’t enjoy Forrest Gump. The Dreidel thing was unintentional though.

 

Fast forward to today…

I had just walked in to begin my shift (and had barely hidden my notebook so I could sneak in some writing), and a couple approached the register, ready to buy several religious books and a couple of illustrated children’s bibles. I rang them up (anxious to get to my notebook), and the husband inquired about the sign on the front door about a 10% discount if you spend more than $20. I inform him that only applies to teachers, as it says on the sign. He says he’s a clergy member. I reiterate that the discount applies to teachers. He says the clergy is the same thing as teachers. I don’t tell him I wholeheartedly disagree (I mean, subjectively yes, but not really and definitely not in this context). I don’t pull out my recently purchased pocket thesaurus from my purse. I simply say, “I’m sorry, but you have to present a teacher’s card in order to receive the discount.” He tells me he has a card and digs through his wallet for what feels like eight minutes. Finally he pulls out a tattered business card that states he is a member of some clergy or another. Again I say that you must have an official membership card from the teacher’s association thingy, given my the administration of learning or whatever. Obviously, I’m stumbling over my words at this point because I’m trying not to tell him what to do with his clergy card. By the way, he would’ve only saved $3.10 on his purchase.

And I didn’t even get to go to my happy place (AKA the store-room where I hide sometimes and write).

 

 

**On another note, please look for my The Next Big Thing blog hop post on Wednesday. If you would like to participate in order to keep the hop hopping, please contact me via any way you feel like. Thanks**